The Government’s Guide To How This Is All Your Fault, Actually


WITH the health service overwhelmed and on the verge of collapse as Covid-19 spreads out of control across the country, the Irish government is keen to stress that this is actually all your fault when you really think about it.

In a bid to explain this very reasonable point in a clear and concise manner, WWN has given over its pages to a government spokesperson.

“First off can I just say thank you so much to the Yanks for providing a distraction, sound lads. Now there’s been a lot of accusations being thrown around the last few days, but ye all have short memories. Do you not remember begging us all to reopen everything?

When it comes to figuring out how we got to this point, the Irish public must hold its hands up and admit to the following:

Despite all available polling from the time stating the exact opposite you, the Irish public, begged us to open the shops and the restaurants 8 days a week, 36 hours a day. Remember you stormed Capitol Hill in America and screamed ‘gimme my Christmas’?

Science tells us that you going for that one takeaway pint was more deadly than us ignoring NPHET’s advice against reopening shopping and indoor dining while also allowing household visits between people. I hope you’re happy.

Which one of you idiots gave €14 million to a music events company to buy ventilators from China that weren’t suitable? Oh, that was us? Right, shit.

Now, was it not you who bowed to pressure from business groups to open everything up despite countless warnings? Oh, that was us again?

You know the way you’ve barely stepped outside your house for 9 months? Turns out according to our calculations you were actually having a New Year’s party in a shebeen downing shots of the new UK strain of the virus.

We have newly discovered that Leaving Cert students are immune to Covid for three days of the week. Don’t worry yourselves students, we’ll get you your Leaving Cert exams even if it kills some of you and/or your loved ones.

Test positivity rates are only at 25% and you want us to close the schools??

Healthcare workers are great and all, but you lot should have given us even just one warning about how maybe it wasn’t ideal to having staffing levels down by a third compared with the previous April peak. Christ, open your mouths like.

And we really feel you all need to apologise for telling us it’d be stupid to bolster staffing and resources as we headed into winter.

No the Minister for Health didn’t say he’d publish a daily update on the numbers of people being vaccinated but still hasn’t done it, you need your hearing checked.

OK, and maybe we have an IT system that couldn’t process more than 2,000 positive cases, and yeah over a decade ago it was said we needed to double the number of ICU beds we have and we didn’t, which begs the question, why did you force us into going against all relevant advice?”