Ireland Sinking At Rapid Rate Due To Excess Christmas Weight

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AUTHORITIES are scrambling to keep the island of Ireland above sea level amidst a huge weight gain arising from snacking, dining and munching sessions in recent days.

“We’ve commandeered a load of swimming pool inflatables and strapped them to the bottom of Ireland, but she’s already sinking again and rapidly,” explained a rescue worker desperately shoving an inflatable donut under the Irish coastline.

In desperate appeals structural engineers asked Irish people to immediately engage in a number of weight alleviating measures which could counteract the second, third and fourth helpings of turkey, ham and spuds.

“We’re asking Irish males to cock a leg and just let one rip, that should help some of the air trapped in our bloated bodies to sail out and up into the sky,” explained one engineer.

“If anyone is in a fit enough state to do a few jumping jacks, please help us out before it’s too late,” said one engineer as she tried to rapidly climb to higher ground to avoid the on rushing waves.

In a sombre address to the nation the Taoiseach said he didn’t want to single any individual out, but couldn’t help but criticise Waterford man Michael Power.

“Jesus Michael, we’ve heard reports of you eating a whole trifle yourself, and your secret stash of mince pies and Roses tins might be exactly what’s tipped us over the edge,” Taoiseach Varadkar said, delivering his address from a flood proof broadcasting shed at the top of Carrauntoohil.

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