Panic For Taoiseach After Forgetting To Do Elf On Shelf For Jack Chambers This Morning

“HAVE you checked the room with the big printer, Jack?” asked a flustered Micheál Martin to his Chief Whip in the Dáil canteen this morning, trying to buy himself enough time to find somewhere to put Ellie the Elf, Santa’s “special helper” that keeps an eye on Chambers and makes sure he’s a good boy in the run-up to Christmas.

“Leo, wake up, throw me the fucking elf quick” whispered the Taoiseach to the Tánaiste, who was sitting eating a bowl of Frosties and grumbling about how Chambers was ‘getting too old for this nonsense’.

The pair were interrupted by a returning Chambers, eyes beginning to fill with tears as the idea that his little elf on the shelf pal may have gone back to the North Pole for good. However, in a ghoulishly fortunate turn of events, his sobbing proved enough of a distraction to allow the Tánaiste to sidle up beside the Taoiseach, both with their arms folded behind their backs, and hand off the red-and-white stuffed toy unnoticed.

“Jack, did you ask the Healy Raes if they’d seen him?” asked Varadkar, his grinchiness subsiding when he saw how much Chambers truly believed in the elf; far more than he believed in the right of a woman to choose what happens to her body.

Having bought themselves five minutes, and infuriated the Healy Raes as a bonus, the leaders of the FF/FG/GP coalition set about finding ‘something new’ that the elf hadn’t done before, while agreeing that this was ‘the last year they’re doing this shit’.

“You could put flour on the countertop, and have him make little footprints in it like it’s snow” said Green Party leader Eamon Ryan, as Varadkar and Martin rolled their eyes and completely ignored him.