Full List Of Things The Taoiseach Says Never Happened

TAOISEACH Micheál Martin caused quite a stir in the Dáil yesterday when in an exchange with People Before Profit’s Richard Boyd Barrett, the Fianna Fáil leader claimed ‘the banks were never bailed out’ during the 2008-2011 period in Ireland most famous for bank guarantees and bailouts.

While every Irish person just presumed their hearing was failing them and the Taoiseach couldn’t have said such a monumentally untrue thing, the Taoiseach continued on a quest to state all of the things that definitely did not happen.

Here’s some others ‘never happened’ things according to the Cork man:

If the bank bailout never happened then, according to the Taoiseach, there was zero emigration from Ireland in the last 12 years.

Partition. Sorry, Martin doesn’t know what you’re on about.

Geri Halliwell leaving the Spice Girls. According to Martin the iconic girl group remained a five piece and Geri never even released a cover of ‘It’s Raining Men’.

The Moon landing, which to be fair…

Fianna Fáil. The party doesn’t and never existed. Micheál Martin? He’s just an illusion, you’re probably hallucinating so get yourself to a hospital.

Henry VIII’s wives. According to Martin Henry married just the once, and it was a happy execution-free marriage.

Bertie Ahern always had a bank account.

Ireland made the 2010 World Cup and were drawn in a group with hosts South Africa, Uruguay and Mexico. Thierry Henry watched the games on his TV at home.

Collins wasn’t shot, don’t listen to him, he’s an awful man for the tall tales.

No one slipped on the ice on RTÉ news.

BBC’s Redwater. Actually, we think it’s okay to believe this blatant lie, it’s better for all if we pretend the Irish set Eastenders spin off never happened.

One thing that definitely did happen is the smoking ban, which Martin introduced when he was health minister, but he’s always too modest to ever mention it.