One Tom Cruise To Be Installed In Every Home This Christmas


COUNTRIES have abandoned all information campaigns relating to large scale gatherings over the Christmas period, replacing them with a screaming Tom Cruise after he was heard explosively self-destructing in a rant aimed at film crew flouting safety measures.

Administering the bollocking with an intensity normally reserved for Scientology recruitment videos, Cruise caught the attention of political leaders who believe he may be the only man capable of insuring people maintain social distance and guidelines when visiting friends and families.

“One Cruise per household, ready to rant, could end Covid spread once and for all. Imagine that lunatic shouting ‘SHOW ME THE HAND SANITISER’ at you?” confirmed one health official.

Authorities are open to allowing Cruise to ad-lib his rants at those flouting guidelines but have a wealth of ready made quotes from his films.

“Having heaps of neighbours over for drinks? Tom will be all ‘I feel the need – the need to kick you all the fuck out’. Someone with a cough still visiting relatives? ‘You complete fucking idiot’. Not maintaining social distance? ‘I’ll snap your dick off and jam it into your ass’ that one’s for Tropic Thunder fans only.”

Faced with spending hundreds of millions on expensive ad campaigns governments are now choosing the cheaper option of sending Cruise into homes to rip anyone taking the piss a new one in an expletive laden rant that makes Christian Bale look like a mute Zen Buddhist monk.

However, Cruise’s deployment to every household potentially wavering from recommendations isn’t without its flaws.

“We offered Tom a driver to ferry him around house to house, but he’s insisting on parachuting out of a plane, repelling down everyone’s roof attached to a rope before somersaulting through the window,” added one official.