Parents Not Even Slightly Missing Kids One Bit

AN ANTICIPATED wave of sorrow, fear and regret over sending children back to school after almost 7 months at home has failed to manifest this week with the majority of parents instead overcome with relief, relaxation and in some cases, fun.

“I thought I’d be devastated not having the kids by my side all day asking me to find things and feed them, but it turns out I miss them like I’d miss a tooth abscess,” admitted Waterford mum-of-two Anna Adams, while finishing a cup of coffee for the first time since March.

“My doubts about whether or not I should have sent them to school with such uncertainty around COVID-19 lasted right up until I got them to the school gate,” said Martin Pricenner, before getting on a 2-hour Zoom call for work without being interrupted to wipe a child’s arse halfway through.

In fact, 99% of parents polled stated that by 11:30 of the second day back at school, they’d almost forgotten they had kids at all.

“I had to write it on my hand in big black letters; pick the kids up at 2,” said Eric Whelan, dad of three, possibly four kids, before concluding, “Honestly, all we need is the COVID numbers to remain high enough for me to work from home, but low enough to keep the kids in school. Come on guys, we’re all in this together!”