“RIGHT there folks, please” announced the government today, while spraying Pledge on tables in an attempt to get Irish publicans to take the 24-point plan to re-open pubs on the 21st of September with them and ‘tip on home’.
Publicans who stuck around to argue that the proposals are at best tailored to large city premises and at worse utterly unworkable in smaller rural locations were asked to move along and ‘not spoil everyone’s good time’.
“Go on, youse have a big load of safety regulations to implement in the morning, go on there home lads” the government insisted, adding that ‘NPHET is watching lads’.
“Yes, we do have homes to go to, for now. But not for long if this keeps up,” said members of the Vintners Association of Ireland, while being handed their jackets and ushered away from outside Leinster House.
“No TV on, no loud music, more distance between tables than there’s room for in the pub itself, and table service only? While we’re also taking the names and phone numbers of everyone who comes through the door? Have you ever been in some of our pubs, lads? And here, which of youse came up with fucking ‘wet pubs’? Cheers yis bolloxes. That’ll stick to us now, you know that? Fuck sake”.
Elsewhere, expectant mothers were stopped at appointments and delivery wards by bouncers acting on behalf of the government and told ‘you can come in love, but your boyfriend’s barred’.