Leaving Cert Students Assured Results Will Be Messed Up In A Different Way To UK


IN A BID to ‘get out ahead’ of any possible PR disaster and to limit any stress Irish students may experience, the Dept. of Education has confirmed that Leaving Cert students looking on in horror at the A-Levels results debacle in England need not worry, as their exam results will be bungled in a much different manner.

“Calculated grades completely fucking over people from disadvantaged areas? What do you take us for, we’re a proud independent nation that doesn’t need to copy the mistakes of the Brits, we’ll make our own uniquely Irish cock ups,” confirmed a Dept. of Education official, putting students at complete ease.

“Our algorithm is much different to the one used by English educators, so rest assured you’ll all be inconsolably crying over a completely different set of circumstances which sees the future you had hoped for completely obliterated by rank incompetence,” added the official.

Under renewed scrutiny, the Leaving Cert grading system for this year has already come under fire for taking the gender of the student into account, preserving a historical gender trend of female students performing better than male students in this year’s result, something critics simply won’t stand for.

“Oh, no, that’s the actually good kind of weighted historical grading, someone having their resulted downgraded based on their gender,” confirmed one person calling for similar mistakes well-flagged in the UK system to be avoided.

Asked if it was better to avoid a long drawn chaotic and confusing shambles by simply reverting to using only teachers’ predicted grades for students, the Dept. of Education official stated “but where’s the fun in that?”