“You Are Not Alone” EU Tells Belarusian People From Safe Distance


RESPONDING to the 100,000 people in Belarus who took part in the country’s largest protest to date in the wake of a ‘contested election’, the EU has bravely told Belarusians ‘you are not alone’ and left it at that.

Delivering the message from a Zoom call which placed the Belarusian people’s side of the conversation on mute, senior EU leaders spoke of their desire to do something tokenistic in nature that didn’t appear so transparently empty.

“We could talk about sanctions? But just talk about them, with real solidarity for the Belarusian people,” suggested Angela Merkel.

“Oh, we should definitely get a line in their about ‘peaceful transition’,” added Emmanuel Macron.

“He has openly admitted the beating of 2,500 protesters, he’s actively rewriting his country’s constitution as we speak – but maybe calling on a dictator to step down is probably a bit much, we’re diplomats at the end of the day” European Council president Charles Michel added.

EU leaders concluded swift and decisive support must be offered to help facilitate a peaceful transition to democratic rule before state sanctioned violence overwhelms innocent people, but that any such action would have to wait until Wednesday, since that’s the earliest anyone is free to do a video conference call.

Elsewhere, Vladimir Putin, the leader of the largest landmass country on the planet, has revealed that Russia is feeling very cramped latey and could probably do with a nice new extension.