Ronnie O’Sullivan Wins Some Bollocks Tournament That He Couldn’t Be Arsed With

SNOOKER legend Ronnie O’Sullivan has clinched a sixth World Title in whatever that tournament was that he competed in last week, following an 18-8 victory over the ‘supposedly very good’ Kyren Wilson at the weekend.

O’Sullivan, who showed up at the Crucible because he had nothing to do at home, spent the majority of the match chatting to the referee as he won frame after frame, at times purposefully missing a shot so that he could ‘nip out for a slash’.

“Yeah listen, I’ll talk to you in an hour or so, I’m just finishing up this world championship thing” said O’Sullivan, chatting into his iPhone tucked between his shoulder and ear as he cleared the table yet again.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s the.. hey ref, what’s this again? Oh yeah, the World Snooker Championship. What’ll this be for me now, six? Bollocks, I forgot, I walked here today. Don’t tell me I have to walk home with some big fucking trophy, do I?”

Now 44 and with no apparent hills left to climb in the sport he has dominated for much of the last two decades, O’Sullivan has admitted that he now only competes to ‘wind these young pups up’.

“When you’re up against lads like Kylo Wren here, you just do it to see their little hearts breaking” laughed O’Sullivan, flicking snots.

“They take it so seriously! For them, this is the culmination of years of training, focus and hard work. For me? Ah, it’s just nice to be out of the house for a while, isn’t it?”.