CALLING a press conference to confirm Russia has ‘successfully developed’ a rushed through Covid-19 vaccine for which he has provided no proof of its supposed effectiveness, leader-for-life Vladimir Putin presented a series of successful vaccine volunteers to Russian state media.
Delivering remarkable first-person testimonies of the miracle vaccine while lying in stiff horizontal positions, the volunteers happily trumpeted the vaccine which is the envy of the Covid-afflicted world, according to Putin.
“Western media propagandists can belittle and insult Russia, but I can tell you one thing for certain since I took the vaccine I’ve stopped sweating, my temperature is way down – it’s practically ice cold and my heart rate has thankfully slowed,” confirm Sergei Mankovich, dressed in his best suit.
“I’m just glad the Health Ministry forewent any sort of scientific scrutiny or thought for safety and injected me with the vaccine before it could be approved using international standards and practices, I’m cured” shared Svetlana Federova as nearby relatives, all dressed in black, cried tears which Putin informed them were tears of joy.
The Covid-19 vaccine is now added to the list of significant achievements in the field of science for Russia, which include putting the first person in space and constantly poisoning Putin critics in new and creative ways.
Asked by a journalist if declaring a successful vaccine was just a way of distracting from a stagnating economy and the continued toll of Covid-19 in the country Putin remarked “well, well, well, looks like we’ve got our next volunteer for taking the vaccine”.
Then asked if he had taken the vaccine himself, Putin, his skin now visibly bubbling and turning a putrid green confirmed “yes, and I’ve never felt better”.