Taoiseach Replaces Varadkar’s Face Mask With A Muzzle


ROLLING his eyes towards the heavens yet again Taoiseach Micheál Martin has ordered government officials to restrain Tánaiste Leo Varadkar so he can swap out his face mask for a muzzle, WWN understands.

“If you’re not undermining me and the government by leaking every-fucking-thing to the press you’re tweeting about how middle class white guys are the real victims in this world, sake,” the Taoiseach bemoaned, before tearily adding “just one fucking day, one day of not being Smugbob Torypants that’s all I asked for!”

Concerned doctors warned that affixing a muzzle to the Fine Gael leader’s mouth could result in him choking on his chronic verbal diarrhea, as well as proving ineffective against Covid-19, something the Taoiseach said is actually fine by him.

“C’mere to me ya pup,” said Martin after racing back from a meeting with British PM Boris Johnson in Belfast to chase a defiant and evasive Varadkar who was probably tweeting about buying new socks featuring Margaret Thatcher shifting Pieter Botha, or how poverty is actually a bit of craic.

Aside from decrying the infamous hardship endured by affluent white middle class men with double barrel surnames and an address on the opportunity side of the glass ceiling, Varadkar has in recent weeks found himself addicted to speaking out of turn about prospective government decisions and plans.

“He’s even phoning into Joe Duffy pretending to be Fidelma from Fairview just so he can keep creating entirely avoidable problems for the government,” confirmed an insider.

Elsewhere, Sinn Féin have denied accusations Varadkar is either a secret recruiter for new Sinn Féin supporters or one of their south Dublin councillors in disguise.