Gardaí Shut Down Meat Factory Pub Operating As A School


AUTHORITIES’ worst fears in relation to a lack of compliance with Covid-19 guidelines have been realised after gardaí discovered a meat factory serving substantial meals to pint-drinking school children.

“Oh God, this is exactly the kind of scenario we wanted to avoid,” confirmed one NPHET official, head in hands.

With recent clusters emerging in meat factories and CMO Dr Ronan Glynn calling clusters ‘inevitable’ in schools if they reopen, the swift closure of a meat factory pub school hybrid is essential to limiting further spread of the virus.

“We arrived on the scene this morning to find tightly packed crowds of poorly paid child-aged meat factory workers learning their 6 times tables while tucking into cheese toasties and a Guinness, everywhere you looked it was a Covid-19 nightmare,” confirmed one garda.

Angrily reacting to such a flagrant and brazen flouting of the guidelines, the government vowed to punish the factory/pub/school owner with enhanced testing for exploited workers and full permission to remain open without fear of repurcussions.

“The Health and Safety Authority is refusing to publish its reports on inspections of premises, and businesses are under no obligation to report an employee contracting Covid-19 but don’t worry, we got this covered,” confirmed a government spokesperson.

The discovery of the operation has left some locals incensed.

“It’s irresponsible arseholes like this that give us a bad name,” seethed one meat tycoon publican principal.

Defending his operation, the businessman at the centre of the closure had this to say:

“The doormen checked their IDs before we let the kids in to cough on each other in cramped conditions, what more do you want from us? Fuck sake”.