IN AN attempt to reflect the fact that Ireland will be living with Covid-19 for some time to come, the government revealed that it will be moving away from a ‘four phases’ model and adopting a colour-coded system which it promises to botch the explanation of very soon.
“Fear not, the details will be suitably vague, filled with obvious loopholes begging to be exploited, and then we will issue an update which is basically a U-turn on everything we said in the initial rollout,” explained Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly.
“That’s not true,” contradicted a cabinet colleague in an attempt to keep the public as confused as possible ahead of confusing them further with the colour-coded launch.
“Yes it is,” countered the Minister for Poor Communications, “different coloured areas will have different areas of colours at different times depending on the different stages they’re at, and the differences will differ”.
While little is known about how little we’ll know about the new system, it is believed the government ‘worked round the clock’ in a bid to figure out how to change four phases to four colours with the specific colours chosen by Don Conroy using a Dulux colour wheel.
Reacting to the announcement of a plan to announce a plan some time between ‘soon’ and ‘ah sure you know yourself’, the public confirmed that they’re experiencing a Red Level Alert on the ‘d’fuck?’ scale of understanding.
Elsewhere, Met Éireann are said to be ‘livid’ at NPHET and the government for stealing their colour-coded warning thunder.