Government Wondering Whether To Blame Covid Spikes On Young People Or The Poor
THE government is faced with the difficult decision of finding an adequate group of people to blame a potential second surge on; with the impoverished and the youth looking like prime targets.
Although the continuing influx of tourists from Covid-19 hotspots appeared to be the obvious choice for blaming a recent spike in infections on following days of single-digit cases, government sources suggest to do so would point to inadequacies in leadership thus threatening the very fabric of society as we know it.
“Think Coronavirus in Ireland is bad? Can you imagine for a second what this place would be like if people thought the government was winging it?” stated one exasperated member of the hastily-formed Covid-19 Blame Squad, known internally as ‘Ireland’s Got Scapegoats’.
Scapegoat ‘soft targets’ include house parties among young people (anyone under 50 in a low-voter turnout area), and anyone on a low income that may have shopped in Penneys since they re-opened.
“We had it beaten, and they ruined it on us” sobbed an emotional Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly today.
“All of our government’s hard work, ruined because Anto and Deco went for a few cans with their mates, and Jacinta just had to go get ‘a few bits’ in the shops. 30 cases yesterday, who knows how many by the end of the week… just know, if we’re forced back into lockdown, it wasn’t my or the government’s fault. If you voted Fianna Fáil in the last election, it wasn’t your fault. It was their fault. You know who I’m talking about. Them”.
Minister Donnelly then bolted out of the room before he could face any questioning about whether or not the government would make face masks mandatory or freeze incoming travel from the US and other hotspots, yelling something about how ‘he only just got here’.