Prison Warden Gives Maxwell Menu Of Possible ‘Suicides’ To Choose From


EXTENDING what was probably the first warm smile of any kind she has received since her high profile arrest, Ghislaine Maxwell’s prison warden popped his head into her cell with a polite “hey, how are we settling in? It ain’t no Orange is The New Black, is it?”

Sliding over a laminated sheet displaying all manner of creative and simply unbelievable life ending scenarios to choose from, the warden kindly added “no rush, take your time but we need to get this done before you get a case of verbal diarrhea”.

Staring at the extensive menu of choices, Maxwell, a notorious sex crime committer with a list of names hidden away somewhere, and who had her bail application slammed down by a judge yesterday, has until the end of the day to pick her preferred ‘tragic accident’ or ‘she couldn’t take the guilt any longer’ option.

Scanning passed ‘contracted Covid-19’, ‘dismembered herself’, ‘drowned in toilet bowl’, ‘hanged herself with the help of two security guards’, ‘strangled by ghost of Epstein’, ‘shot herself in the back of the head 50 times’, Maxwell struggled to choose.

“Hey, I’ve only just met you, but you’re giving off big shivved in the shower when the guards’ backs are turned vibes if I’m being honest,” added the warden, just trying to help. “You probably envisioned a sort of ‘car in a Paris tunnel’ for yourself, high society gal that you are, but we’ve gotta work with what we’ve got, sorry”.

Elsewhere, betting firms have suspended betting on the method of Maxwell’s demise after a number of panicked famous and powerful people placed vast sums on ‘shot in exercise yard via sniper rifle, done by an assassin Maxwell definitely hired herself, definitely not hired by some other people’.