Bunker Bound Trump Hands Melania Cyanide Pill Before Putting Gun To His Head
DEFIANT to the last moment, soon-to-be former US President Donald Trump gave his last orders to his administration team as he calmly handed his first lady a cyanide pill, before cocking back the firing mechanism on his trusty .45.
“Make sure to burn our bodies, Mike, I don’t want them defiling them and put my hair away for safekeeping, my followers will want something when we’re gone,” the 73-year-old leader of the ‘free world’ told his Vice President Mike Pence as thunderous sounds of rioting raged outside from a growing mob of protestors who had enough of America’s blatant racism.
“But sir, surely you can reason with them, just let them think you’re doing something to stop our guys shooting them lot,” Pence pleaded, frantically deleting the president’s internet search histories and destroying a Russian labelled VHS tape translating to ‘Trump golden shower’.
“What has this country come to? A president can’t even threaten and encourage violence on his own citizens using racist dog whistling without snowflakes giving out,” Trump continued, urging his wife to hurry up and take the pill.
“ANTIFA has won, Mike. These are different times now. I’ve even tried ringing that man’s brother… what’s his name again? Pink Floyd?”
“It’s George, Don. George Floyd. And you can’t end it this way, then the coloureds will have won,” Pence added, now deleting archive text messages from Jeffrey Epstein from the president’s phone.
Now sweating profusely with the gun chamber firmly placed to his right temple, the 45th US President Donald John Trump’s hand began to quiver, before failing to pull the trigger and pulling away.
“I can’t do it, Mike. My hand. It’s that god damn hydroxychloroquine giving me the shakes again,” Trump shouted, but still urging Melania to continue.
“Sir?” Pence asked, with a single tear now caressing his white privileged cheek.
“Aw, fuck it Mike; ring Mar-a-Lago and tell them warm up my clubs,” Trump ordered, before turning to his distraught wife who just spat out her pill, “well that’s just typical of you, Melania, you can’t even kill yourself right”.