“Wash Your Hands With Spit” Urges Irish Water

CONTRADICTING months of campaigning and endless guides on how to wash your hands from Irish TV presenters, Irish Water has called on households to conserve water due to a 20% increase in usage by washing themselves in their own saliva.

“If you hold your spit in your mouth for a few minutes and think of juicy sweets you can produce enough spit to wash both your hands,” insisted the head of Irish Water public relations team and brains behind the new Irish Water spit campaign, Mark Donaldson, who had previously worked for Ticketmaster and Ryanair.

With households using an extra 24 litres of water per person per day, Irish Water issued further alternatives for people who lacked in saliva, urging young families to wash their children in the cistern if spitless.

“Just lift up the back of your toilet and viola, a baby bath,” Mr. Donaldson said, now in a creative flow, “conserve any tears shed for lost family members during the lockdown with eye droppers and keep them in the fridge. Urine is also great for cleaning clothes and whitening teeth; I could go on here thinking up of more genius alternatives, but I think people out there should have fun with this and think outside the box”.

Irish water, who charge extortionate new home connection fees in a bid to make up the shortfall in their own failings as a residential utility company, confirmed that paddling pools are still okay for families who think the rules don’t apply to them.

“We’re just aiming these new restrictions on the type of goody-two-shoes eejits who initially paid their water bills when we tried that craic,” he added, “but whatever anyone does, don’t conserve your own rain water, that’s cheating”.