Local Man Hasn’t Yet Found Positive Story He Can’t Shit All Over


IT COULD be a story of chocolate bought for healthcare workers by children using all their pocket money, factories repurposing facilities to produce much needed personal protection equipment or communities supporting their most vulnerable, people creating art and moments of levity.

No matter the positive news amidst the current crisis, talented local man Cormac Prannell is using his incredible aptitude for negativity to find a way to shit all over the faintest glimmer of soothing hope and light.

While those close to Prannell (35) have devoted much time to seeing if they can help people in any way, shape or form as well as adhering to social distancing measures and lockdown conditions, the elite level arsehole has instead tried to ferociously shit all over every story of empathy and positivity.

“Some people get their kicks out of embracing positivity, community, decency. Not me though, for me, it doesn’t get better than purposefully searching out encouraging and life-affirming news and absolutely tearing into,” explained Prannell, who wasn’t sure when he turned into an irredeemable prick but couldn’t rule out having been this way since birth.

“Ah they only did it for the social media likes,” confirmed Prannell of several stories ranging from a doctor in Italy on the frontlines sacrificing herself and passing away after contracting Covid-19, a dog who dragged its owner four miles to A&E after he collapsed and a 7-year-old who raised €500,000 for healthcare workers with a song she wrote.

“The people trying to make this bearable for others, they’re the worst,” continued Prannell, who seemed to have a particular dislike for people who brigthen up other people’s days.

Experts admit to being more impressed than annoyed by Prannell’s ability to be a joyless black hole that attempts to destroy everything that represents potential progress or happiness.

“He could be worth studying closely, provided we resist the urge to kill the cunt,” confirmed medical experts.