It’s An Easter Miracle! Convicted Child Abuse Priest Set Free In Australia


CATHOLICS looking for a sign that their conveniently non-interventionist God is trying to send them a positive message and improve their lot during a global pandemic need look no further than what many people are calling the second greatest Easter miracle of all time; the overturning of Cardinal George Pell’s conviction and 6-year prison sentence for the abuse of two children.

Marking it down in the ‘win’ column, devotees are seeing the news that the highest court in Australia overturned the conviction as the sign from God it so clearly is.

“Didn’t he used to be in charge of the Vaticans finances? Wow, this is actually good news, he can head back there and donate the billions of euro the Vatican has in reserve to fight this pandemic or poverty. Surely this is what God intended. It’s great that the money will eradicate poverty and suffering in no time” shared one enthusiastic Catholic.

“This is just the sort of feelgood story we need at a time like this, huzzah!” confirmed another delighted worshipper, “but if I’m being honest, I was more hoping for a pandemic vaccine when I prayed for an Easter miracle, or even the eradicating poverty, healing the planet or literally a million other things, but who am I to judge you God, you cloud dwelling indecipherable ball of randomness”.

Religious experts have politely pointed out that there’s no evidence to suggest this miracle didn’t come from ‘the man downstairs’.

Elsewhere, the church’s advice to just try moving the current pandemic to another parish has so far proven unsuccessful.