Number Of Drunk Idiots In A&E Falls To 250 Year Low


SCIENTISTS are investigating a possible side effect of Coronavirus infection spread after startling data from Irish A&E departments show a stark drop in the number of avoidable drink-fueled injuries, minor complaints and non-life threatening illnesses, WWN can report.

Casualty departments across Ireland are showing almost zero waiting lists for the first time in nearly 250 years, with most reporting almost no incidents of drunken revellers with gashed faces or broken bones, prompting scientists to ask if Covid-19 may be giving people some sort of previously-unknown tolerance for alcohol, or super strong bones or something.

“Could it be that Coronavirus is making some members of the community smarter, or could it be that it’s making them healthier?” mused Dr. Abigail Wilson, perusing a near-empty A&E waiting room in Waterford General.

“Look at this room; did every drinker in the city all of a sudden get hollow legs or something? Where’s the screaming couple who got into a fight at an ATM? Where’s the drink-driving accidents? And drink aside; where’s the local moron with a head cold that thought they had to go sit in A&E for 18 hours with it, instead of taking a Lemsip? Coronavirus is a strange disease, that’s for sure”.

Although the current calm-before-the-storm feeling in A&E departments is welcomed by staff, they’re certain that business will resume when life returns to normal in time for ‘cans at the canal’ weather.