Assange Really Hoping Cell Guards Are Talking About Some Other Prisoner Hanging Himself

THE banter between the guards outside the cell of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been getting a ‘little too Epsteiney’ for his liking, a source close to the beleaguered former journalist has confirmed.

Assange’s nerves, already frayed thanks to this week’s ongoing extradition hearing in London, are being calmed by his team who have assured him that the prison staff are probably talking about ‘some other prisoner’ on the wing who might be on the verge of committing suicide over the never 24 hours.

Facing 17 espionage and computer hacking charges should he be extradited to the USA, Assange has made 35 announcements in the past 6 hours, all of which state in no uncertain terms that he’s not suicidal ‘in the slightest’.

“Oh boy, I cannot wait to see what I get for Christmas this year,” stated Assange, loudly so everyone could hear him.

“That’s right, I have a whole calendar of events for the year planned, whether I’m in jail or not. Love life, me. Cannot stress how far away the thoughts of killing myself are. It’s nothing but life and living ahead for ol’ Julian here, anything that happens contrary to that should be treated with the utmost suspicion”.

Assange has also requested to be driven to the extradition in a Volvo V60, currently voted the safest road car in the world, and should he be extradited to America, he wishes to be flown by Qantas.