No Connection Between Rising Crime & Budget Cuts At’all At’all


THE POLICING AUTHORITY has criticised An Garda Síochána in a report which highlighted an increase in robberies and assaults.

Failing to live up to targets they set out in their own Policing Plan for 2018, gardaí were criticised by the Department of Justice who were quick to point out that none of this would have anything to do with a decade plus of austere and rigid budgets.

“Gutting policing and having it run on fumes has nothing to do with a rise in any crime figures at’all at’all,” confirmed a Justice spokesman.

Justice officials then invited members of the public to simply walk into any garda station in their locality, provided it wasn’t shut down, and admire the ‘obscenely well resourced police force which is the envy of the world’.

“As long as you give us a week’s notice before you visit. We’ll make sure you won’t find any clapped out squad cars that would fail an NCT, nor would you only find one officer-in-training manning a whole station,” the official added, proud as punch that any rise in crime figures were completely unrelated to budget cuts.

Speaking on behalf of senior gardaí who had their mouthes duct-taped shut the Justice official explained why gardaí set out such ambitious targets they had no hope of ever achieving such was the force’s dearth of resources.

“They have let the public down and this has nothing to do with how we resource the organisation,” confirmed the official before concluding his department would take credit for the handful of types of crime that have been reduced.