Bloody Sunday Downgraded To ‘Dignified & Appropriate Sunday’


THE Conservative Party has succeeded in their motion to rename the 1972 massacre in Derry, formerly known as ‘Bloody Sunday’, following a party-wide agreement that Northern Secretary Karen Bradley’s ‘dignified and appropriate’ remark in the Commons yesterday has ‘a nice ring to it’.

Although the 12-year Saville Inquiry found that the murders on that fateful day were both ‘unjustified’ and ‘unjustifiable’, a recent report has that suggested four soldiers involved in the shooting of 28 unarmed civilians might face custodial sentences prompting Bradley to make her comments about the Troubles, or ‘The Bloopers’ as they are now to be called.

Tories across the party agreed that the vernacular used when referring to the entirety of ‘The Bloopers’ needs to be addressed, in a bid to help the healing process, now to be known as ‘the forgetting process’.

“Here’s what we know to be true; there was a march in Londonderry to celebrate the free summer camps the British government had set up for impoverished Catholics who didn’t have the sense to live properly” said Bradley, going through the history books with a bottle of Tippex.

“They met a bunch of jolly British chaps who were having an extended holiday in the area with 21,000 of their fellow dignified colleagues, there was a bit of argy bargy, and then later in the day 14 of the Catholics died from a delayed response to the famine. I really can’t see what the problem is”.

The move to re-name Bloody Sunday comes as tensions continue to mount in the North ahead of a potential post-Brexit hard border, which the Tory party are confident that they’ll be able to pin the blame for on another group of oppressed civilians in no time.