Council Culling Trees Whether You Fucking Like It Or Not

MEMBERS of a local town council gathered today to issue an official statement confirming that yes, they are cutting down all the trees, and yes ‘it was their decision to make’.

Speaking from a makeshift press conference table normally reserved for cocktail sausages, the committee of four men and three women began by telling local press and townspeople to “shut their fucking mouths and listen for one fucking second”.

“We’ve cut down all the town’s trees overnight when you were all asleep,” began town councillor Tracey Hackett, “we just don’t like the trees anymore, okay? They’re stupid looking cunts. And before you start complaining; they’re fucking trees, they’ll grow back”.

Asked whether there was any solid reason as to why all the town trees in their entirety were quickly cut down without any consultation with the people who lived there and appreciated them, council member Tom Stafford abruptly stood up: “Leaves or something. Fucking roots. Whatever you’re having yourself. What are we, fucking botanists? We just cut them down. They’re not even wild trees anyway. They were captive trees, and you could say we set them free.

“Yeah, that’s it, we set them free,” Stafford finished now nodding in agreement with the rest of the panel who seemed to congratulate him on his stunning improvisation.

“I heard it was for 5G,” one local long haired man shouted up from the back of the crowd at the unimpressed panel, now quickly being silenced by a man with a chloroform-soaked cloth, “the trees stop mhff.. It’s mind controlmmfff….” he tried to add before falling limp to the ground and then being dragged out of the community hall.

“Any other fucking questions?” another stern looking female council member posed, now pointing at the meek crowd in an intimidating fashion, “No? Good. Meeting adjourned”.