A LOCAL Waterford man has joined a growing list of people who have decided to postpone sorting their life out until 2020, completely bypassing 2019 when it comes to acts of self-improvement, WWN can reveal.
Tony Higgins (25) had intended to lose a bit of weight, read more and stop calling his ex at 3am after nights out in 2019 but will now undertake these resolutions in 2020, explaining “2020 just sounds better anyway”.
Further research conducted by New Year’s resolution experts reveals that 99.8% of all ‘new year, new me’ claims are ‘made without foundation and are complete bullshit’ which calls into question whether Higgins will just continue to postpone all new positive life measures, year after year.
“No, this is very much ‘new year, same me’ but honestly, hand on heart I’ll sort my life out in 2020,” Higgins said with the kind of steely eyed determination that many people momentarily feel before going back to the same old self-destructive cycle of behaviour that has typified their life up until this point.
The postponement of life sorting by Higgins is nothing new, however, a more rare occurrence involves a person actually following through on the big claims made while under the influence of alcohol at the tail end of a calendar year.
“Despite extensive research we’ve yet to find someone who has actually carried out their ‘I’ll sort my life out’ New Year’s resolution,” confirmed lead resolutionologist at TCD Professor Tríona Mulcahy, “and when we say we haven’t found them, that counts for all people throughout the entire course of human history”.
Prof. Mulcahy then reluctantly confirmed all further research would be postponed until 2020.
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