Non-Man United Fans Inconsolable After Mourinho Sacking


SCENES of eyes red raw from sobbing have been reported around Premier League grounds which are not Old Trafford as non-Manchester United football fans come to terms with the most entertaining episode in soccer schadenfreude came to an end with the sacking of Jose Mourinho.

“Taken too soon, I hadn’t even properly got all my laughing done from the weekend,” confirmed one Liverpool fan, visibly upset at the thought of United possibly transitioning out of their best-comedy-since-The-Office period of their recent history.

Standing shoulder to shoulder, arm in arm, fans of 19 Premier League teams tried to console one another struggling to come to terms with all the hilarious meltdowns and drama they had been robbed of as a callous business made a father-of-two jobless just before Christmas.

Fans of the 19 teams that aren’t Manchester United confirmed they would hold a minutes silence before their matches this weekend to mark Mourinho leaving long before he could do truly lasting damage to one of the biggest and most intensely disliked clubs in the world.

In more heartbreaking scenes, some Manchester United players were pictured at training this morning enjoying life, smiling and successfully passing the ball to one another.

“God, I can’t take it, it’s just horrible to watch,” confirmed one Cardiff fan who had been hoping to be saved from relegation by a Mourinho in gloriously self-destructive form.

Elsewhere, Sky Sports News have exclusively reported Paul Pogba continues to breathe in and out successfully. What should be read into this? How disrespectful is it of Pogba, and does he plan the ultimate insult of getting a haircut? Tune into Sky Sports later for a 7 hour special.