Stop Fucking Everything; There’s A Hare Loose In A Supermarket In Gort
WE interrupt your social media feed to bring you breaking news of a hare, an actual fucking hare like, which was captured on CCTV running around in a Supervalu in the Galway town of Gort earlier today.
Footage of the four-legged furry friend hopping around the bread aisle began to circulate on social media earlier today after one of the checkout lads sent a 15 second clip from the CCTV system to his pals on WhatsApp, and soon the eyes of the media industry descended on the sleepy town and its bemused townsfolk.
Although we at WWN do not necessarily consider a hare loose in a shop to be actual news, especially at a time when the world stands on the brink of war, economic ruin, and destruction by climate change, but god dammit if RTÉ, the Independent, the Journal, the Times, the Mirror, the Sun, the Herald, and HerDailyJoetertainment are running with ‘Hare in shop’ headlines, then who are we to take a stand?
“I feel the fate of our company is in jeopardy if we don’t get a headline with a hare pun up in the next 12 minutes” stressed Paddy O’Brien, deputy WWN editor.
“Every other news outlet is getting clicks by the thousand on their hare stories; Jesus Christ, the Daily Edge are on their ninth list about the subject. ‘Five Hilarious Times An Animal Entered An Irish Shop’… fuck sake, how are we supposed to compete with journalism like that? Hang the sign on the fucking door lads. It’s over”.
[Update] We have updated this article so that it appears in your newsfeeds ‘updated’, getting us another click out of it. We have no new news for you. The hare might still be in the supermarket, or it might be outside. It might be dead. The staff may be eating it right now. We just don’t fucking know and the town of Gort has closed its doors to the media. Please keep clicking refresh for more as we get it, or at least to get the numbers on this post up until a badger runs into a primary school in Kenmare or a short-eared owl flies into a barber shop in Borris-In-Ossory, something, fucking anything like, come on animals we’re counting on you!