Media Hasn’t Been This Excited About A Murder In Ages


WWN can reveal that the brutal killing of a man in the ‘salubrious surroundings of a posh South Dublin suburb’ has sent the tabloid media into celebratory convulsions, the likes of which hasn’t been since the last time a murder happened in a renowned Dublin postcode.

Ruthlessness knocking on doors in search of the poshest accents they can find which contrast perfectly with a brutal murder, something the media knows only happens in rancid working class shit holes, journalists canvassed Foxrock locals in a bid to get their voices on camera over enunciating and pronouncing words correctly.

“I take absolutely no pleasure in this,” said one journalist who began frothing at the mouth after learning a human being had been killed in the most horrific of circumstances, “I’ll have to pull an all-nighter to refine my language in such a way that seems like I’m being respectful but really I’m saying ‘get a load of this juicy murder, let’s go fucking wild with it people'”.

In a bid to contextualise the crime for the public, the media have begun projecting the words ‘you wouldn’t expect something like this to happen here’ in the skies above Foxrock and will remain camped out in the area taking pictures of big houses and fancy cars while writing articles entitled ‘look, look, money, money, money, big houses, why murder? No sense making. Shock. Look again oooh a Bentley’.

Editors of publications which have given over an average of 48 pages to fixating over certain details of the murder have expressed their sympathies.

“I feel sorry for any poor soul from somewhere not posh who has the bad luck of getting murdered any time soon, ‘cus I can tell you now, we won’t be fucking covering it. I mean, did you hear what the murderer did? And not white…jack-fucking-pot,” confirmed one editor, who couldn’t rule out ejaculating any second now.

To buy Paul Williams book on the case ‘The Murder That Rocked The Nation’, which is due out this evening, go to your nearest book shop.

Elsewhere, the government has moved to provide a State guarantee on the house prices in Foxrock in a bid to ensure they remain unharmed by the recent events.