“My Shit Plan Is Better Than Your Shit Plan” May Tells Johnson


IN A BATTLE for the right to be the person that drives Britain’s economy off a cliff and into an ocean made entirely of landmines, British PM Theresa May has told Tory rival Boris Johnson that her truly awful plan for Brexit is not as unintelligibly short-sighted as his one.

“My plan, whatever it is, has been flagged as a disaster waiting to happen by slightly fewer experts than your one, which isn’t even a plan at all, you toss pot,” a courageous May relayed to MP Johnson, in a show of true leadership which will go some way to ensuring Britain will be reduced to a post-apocalyptic wasteland on her watch and not Johnson’s.

The in-fighting the Tory party has been engaged in over recent weeks has done nothing to distract the British public from the fact all current Brexit plans and strategies are just marginally different shades of shit, however, in her speech earlier today, this is something May disputed vigorously.

“I can assure you my shitty, shitty plan is better than whatever clusterfuck he’s planning,” May confirmed while pointing to a very large but very empty briefcase marked ‘Brexit Plan’.

“We’re already supporting far right extremists in Hungary and we haven’t even left the EU, just imagine how much more fun Brexit will be for the 4.5 million children living in poverty now,” added May.

Meanwhile Johnson has once again staked his claim for a leadership run by addressing the complex issue of the Irish border by quipping ‘Border? More like we’re bored of her’ to uproarious laughter from the media who then fell over themselves in the scramble to accept cups of tea from Johnson. The former foreign secretary then muttered ‘death camps for the poor’ under his breath but the remark went undetected.

The British public sobbed relentlessly as it confirmed that watching BBC’s hit drama ‘Bodyguard’, a show about multiple terror attacks and assassinations of politicians, is a light relief and escape from the horror show they’re currently living through.