Talk On ‘How To Cover Up Child Abuse’ Big Success At World Meeting Of Families

THE MOST well attended talk of the World Meeting of Families event in Dublin proved to be a case of ‘saving the best until last’ as the curtain came down on a series of speeches, talks and stern moral lectures given by the Catholic Church ahead of the visit of Pope Francis.

The last slot on Friday was taken up by the eagerly anticipated ‘how to cover up child abuse’ lecture, with standing room only in the RDS main hall, and reports of countless members of clergy elbowing their way to the front of the crowd to get a better view.

“And here’s the part where you quote some bullshit about ‘Canon Law’ and basically, the police just fuck off and do nothing,” explained Cardinal Massimo Blasphemo, as he tore through his stunning power point presentation to much applause and awe-induced gasps.

All questions and queries were answered in the Q and A session with a moment of levity experienced by the 2,000 strong crowd when Cardinal Blasphemo was asked what priests should do if the government of a country steps in to intervene and seek justice.

“Ha, nice one. Oh, sorry, that’s a real question? Oh no, politicians never stick their neck out when it comes to getting justice for children who are victims of sexual abuse at the hands of priests, so you can rest easy,” Blasphemo explained, prompting a collective sigh of relief from the crowd.

Tickets for the talk were changing hands online for as much as €5,000 earlier today and Blasphemo’s heplful guide certainly lived up to the billing, as he used example after example after example of parishes which successfully covered up abuse without any negative repercussions for those responsible.

A helpful workshop allowed priests to role play various scenarios including; refusing to give parish records to relevant authorities, lying to police, intimidating victims of sexual abuse, moving paedophile priests to other parishes and most practically; convincing yourself you’re not going to hell for all this.