Phoenix Park Deer Share Memories Of First Papal Visit


WITH a new papal visit from Pope Francis, who is brilliant and shouldn’t be questioned at all, on the horizon many people are casting their mind back and sharing their memories of Pope John Paul II’s historic visit to Ireland in 1979.

“Worst. Mass. Ever,” Doe, a deer old enough to remember Pope John Paul II’s famous Phoenix Park address told us earlier today, “seriously, sound outta the big speakers was shite. Not enough communion to go around. Queues were unreal. Don’t get me started on the toilets”.

A long time resident of the Dublin park, Doe admits to being less than enthused by the thoughts of a second papal mass.

“Well the first in ’79, he didn’t play anything new, I’d heard it all before,” Doe explained, “like play the hits, fair enough but I’d like to hear something different and new too ya know. Once bitten, twice not-fucking-bothered-with-another-wreck-the-head mass”.

Leaving the mass setlist debate aside, other Phoenix Park deer have their own concerns too regarding Pope Francis descending on the park, the negatives relating to John Paul II’s visit still fresh in the memory.

“Talk about a pain in the hole, you think people trying to get selfies with us is bad these days? Try 1 million people crowding around us on the one day with great big fuckin’ polaroid cameras,” Nigel, also a deer, shared.

“And there’s always that big talk about ‘the Pope’s children’ from the last time. It was basically one big sexfest, people conceiving left, right, and centre. No concern for us locals. It’s a myth that people waited til they got home to ride”.

While the majority of deer are too young to remember the last Papal visit, Doe and Nigel are eager to stress, the fallout from it should not be forgotten.

“The grass was trampled something awful, so we couldn’t eat it. ‘Twas ruined. Oh, and there was that whole paedophile priests being enabled and facilitated by the Church, but mainly for me, it was all about the shite state the grass was left in,” confirmed Doe.