Local Garage Found To Be Operating Without Greasy Nudie Calendar
A WATERFORD garage which has offered a tireless service to its community has today been shut down by health and safety officers, who found that the premises was operating without the use of a ragged, out-of-date Pirelli calendar featuring a nude supermodel.
In an even more damning indictment, Whelan’s Auto Repair on the outskirts of Tramore failed to come up to code when it came to ripped-out images of page 3 girls pinned to a cork board, and grease-covered FHM ‘Sexiest Woman Of The Year’ calendars from the Rachel Stevens era.
The grim discovery was made when Grot inspectors posing as customers looking for an oil change visited the family-run-but-staffed-with-a-load-of-Polish-lads-who-know-their-stuff establishment, performing a quick sweep of the premises to check did it reach the industry-standard garage soft porn guidelines.
After being caught with not even so much as a copy of the Daily Sport on the premises, owner Derek Whelan was forced to close up shop and head to his local newsagents to pick up some mags from the top shelf, or risk further action by the authorities.
“Look, I know every garage is supposed to have at least one nudie calendar from 2008 with ‘order filters’ scribbled on it in pen, but we’ve just been too busy to keep up,” sighed Whelan, who risks heavy fines for his titty-less operation.
“We’re too busy doing one-hour exhaust changes and swapping out brake discs and telling people that their car is ‘fucked but we’ll see what we can do’ to worry about making sure we’ve calendars set to March 2004 hanging on every wall in the place”.
“And yes, we can see the benefit of having naked women hanging around the place; male customers get distracted and don’t notice what we’re charging them for, women customers feel incredibly uncomfortable and just sign blank cheques… but we’ve been trying to run a business without doing these things. Well, not any more”.
With inspectors due back next week, Whelan’s have begun to hang nudie calendars around the garage, and are in the process of training their staff to say ‘some set on her, eh?’ while working out customers bills on a calculator with the numbers all worn off it.