Putin Critic Found Dismembered In Apparent Suicide


A RUSSIAN journalist and vocal critic of Vladimir Putin has reportedly committed suicide by dismembering his own body, Russia Today has confirmed.

The 122nd opponent and/or critic of Putin to die in perfectly non-suspicious circumstances in recent years, Andrei Ivanov, was found in several pieces in his Moscow apartment after taking a knife to himself, and ending his own life.

Investigators confirmed Mr. Ivanov hacked off both his arms and legs before finally decapitating himself in his bathroom, where his remaining torso eventually bled out and died on the floor.

“We believe Andrei Ivanov hacked off his legs in the sitting room area before trashing his own apartment to make it look like an intruder had broken in,” a Moscow detective explained, “thankfully our forensics team were able to see past his attempts to stage the scene as a murder”.

Mr. Ivanov is one of dozens of Putin critics trying to frame the Russian president’s government for murder, with one desperate opposition minister shooting himself in the back 13 times last week while leaving the Kremlin.

“It’s obvious there is an underground movement trying to oust the president and discredit him, and we’ll probably see a lot more suicides in the weeks to come, so please ignore their ill attempts,” a spokesman for Mr. Putin concluded.