Office Worker Needs Key Fob To Wipe Arse

A COMPLETE overhaul of a Waterford office tower has brought in a raft of new personal identification verifications and checkpoints, leaving the workers of local tech start-up GoTeamGo with no other choice than to carry their key cards at all times, or risk an assortment of humiliations.

GoTeamGo, who do computers or something, are the first staff team in Waterford to try out the sleek new system, with each employee given a fob that will allow them to access each door in the building, as well as pay for meals in the canteen, turn on their desk lights, get a Coke at the vending machine, and instigate gossipy conversations at the water fountain, which also needs a fob rub to run.

Although the system allows bosses at the company to track the whereabouts of their employees for safety reasons as well as keeping an eye on the amount of dossing, many employees are struggling to cope with not being able to do seemingly easy tasks without their lanyards in tow.

“You make the mistake of leaving your key fob at your desk once, and once only,” said GTG app designer Kevin Kierhan, who had to wipe his arse with his hand after forgetting that the new automated dispensers in the jacks would only give out toilet roll to authorised keycard holders.

“Once, and only once. After that, you carry that damn thing around your neck at all times. I couldn’t even get the lid off the jar of sudocrem to ease my chaffed, poorly wiped bum because I didn’t have First Aid privileges on my card. I had to get Declan from accounts to help me out”.

WWN visited the state of the art new facility to see the system in action for ourselves, but we’re unable to get past the front step which was guarded by a big dog with a keycard touchpoint on his back.