Confirmed: There’s No More ‘Characters’ Around Town Anymore


A RECENT survey taken among the rural Ireland population has confirmed what many have feared for a long time, the classic Irish ‘character around town’ may be in danger of dying out completely.

“At one stage, every village in Ireland had a character, almost always male, middle-aged, with a significant if not utterly debilitating alcohol abuse problem,” said Rory Owens, chief statistician for the Character Charter.

“Someone who could wander around town drunk in the middle of a weekday, scare kids, threaten women, maybe get in his car and drive home while racking up hilarious stories about narrowly missing detection by the guards; someone who could do any number of anti-social things, but with a wit and charm that made it all just seem… okay, somehow”.

Frequently spotted asleep on public benches or just lying against a wall watching the world go by, characters added a mildly threatening charm to their surroundings, and there are now fears that without a fresh influx, people in rural Ireland may have nobody to feel superior over.

“Without characters making random people feel uncomfortable with their confrontational tone and ‘ah sure I was only messing you stupid cunt’ manner, Ireland may lose its reputation for being ‘some craic altogether'” continued Owens, whose own hometown character succumbed to a fatal dose of falling asleep in the sea earlier this year.

“There’s too many of the local youth leaving their home town to go up to further education, careers, travel, that kind of thing… things that stop people from staying 100 yards away from where they were born and where they grew up, never evolving, never growing, just festering away in a mire of regret, failed ambition and sadness until their only resort is to stew in drink and use humour to carry themselves through life. You know, characters. Gas bastards”.

The government has moved to create a new generation of hard-drinking, minimum wage characters who eke out a day-to-day existence living in their hometown because they simply cannot afford to get out. However, this action has not been in response to anything, stating this was just merely done accidentally.