Former Russian Spy Can’t Believe He Fell For The Old ‘Unknown Substance’ Trick

FORMER Russian double-agent and current rapidly-dying-man Sergei Skripal is kicking himself that he got caught out with the old ‘poisoned by an unknown substance while in exile in Great Britain’ trick, which is becoming a favourite way for ex-Russian spies to meet their demise on foreign soil.

Skripal, given refuge in the UK after years of passing Russian state secrets to MI6, was found unresponsive in a park in Wiltshire, in circumstances similar to the death of former Russian spy and current dead man Alexander Litvinenko, who was poisoned with a radioactive substance on British soil over a decade ago.

As a high-ranking Russian spy himself, Skripal is certain to have had access to the ‘Big Russian Book Of Bumping People Off Using Methods From The Beano’, and as such will likely spend his remaining time cursing himself for not learning from what had gone before.

“He’s in there, dying from an unknown substance, kicking himself that he fell for the old ‘poison turncoats and former agents on foreign soil without fear of repercussion’ trick that the Russians are so fond of” said a member of Scotland Yard, through nine layers of radioactive protective gear.

“At this stage if you’re a Russian spy who gets poisoned, it’s like the Roadrunner getting caught by the coyote. You know that you seriously pissed off your former intelligence agency, you embarrassed people in high political positions in Russia, and you’re living the rest of your life in the UK… at some stage, this becomes your fault. You should know better than to cross a Russian agency, and not expect them to assassinate you. Nobody is ever going to pull them up on these things, so they’re just going to do what comes natural to them. Tough shit pal”.

Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin has denied any involvement in the incident, while very nearly keeping a completely straight face.