Children At Risk Online But It Keeps Them Quiet, Confirm Parents

PARENTS have responded to recent pleas from experts in the field of child safety, child development and online technology to monitor their children’s online activity more closely by stating ‘we’re fully aware of how dangerous it can be but it keeps them quiet’.

With a string of studies relating to children’s internet habits and practices coming to grim and worrying conclusions, it was thought such news could push some parents toward taking preemptive action when it comes to various internet compatible devices in their homes.

“Honestly, I’m very well aware of how a wrong turn here or there after a Peppa Pig Youtube video, or an online FIFA match can lead to disastrous and dangerous outcomes for my children, but just listen to that sweet fucking silence,” shared software engineer and parent Alan Hymes while pointing at his silent children as they were buried in a pair of iPads.

“Can they be subjected to horrible bullying online? Could a paedophile chat to them in some game forum? Could they rinse my credit card for all its worth? Could the way they relate to the world be warped if I expose them to all this at such a young age? The answer to all this is yes of course, but Christ gimme a break, at least they’re not pissing me off with their nagging and fighting and screaming,” added Hymes, who was now collapsed in an armchair in preparation for dozing off.

Other parents admitted that they would gladly maintain the status quo of strapping any internet devices to their children’s retinas if it guaranteed they would have some peace and quiet regardless of the potential risks to the welfare of the child.

“They can go on a bloody serial killer rampage for all I care, as long as I get like 45 minutes minimum of relative calm in the house,” confirmed mother of 4 children under the age of 8, Marion Mullens.

Experts we spoke to relayed their fears that collectively, as a society, we are failing to realise the risks to children posed by continuous exposure to the online world.

“A conclusive study would take 30 years so we have no idea the extent of the damage to their psychological welfare that years of internet access can do, especially from a young age and we need parents to be more aware of this,” explained Dr. Fiona Mulhearn, who clearly has no dickhead kids of her own.