Local Man Just Covers Unflushed Poo With Bit Of Tissue


IN the cold white porcelain of a Waterford toilet, a small turd lay in a shallow pool of water, three squares of two-ply Kittensoft barely covering its tiny brown body.

Detective Malcolm Decker had heard about cases like this before, but this was the first time he’d witnessed one for himself.

“I’ve worked these streets for years, but sometimes there’s a case that will still shock me,” said Decker, lighting one e-cig off another.

“What we have here is a turd, probably arrived into this world with his friends. Then they all get flushed, but this poor bastard gets separated. Who knows why. Maybe the flush on the toilet wasn’t strong enough, maybe our turd just had too much bran… either way, he doesn’t go down the bend like his pals”.

Decker paused to let the forensic team pass by, as a crime scene photographer lit up the downstairs loo with eerie flashbulb pops from a high-powered polaroid camera.

“So our turd is in the bowl now, probably thinks that he’s going to get a second hit of the flush, right? One more flush, and he’s gone,” Decker continued, the stubble on his face showing that he had been up for almost 36 hours on this case.

“But no… whoever was doing the flushing, he didn’t bother to do the right thing. He didn’t bother to wait 60 seconds for the cistern to fill, didn’t bother to give this poor shit any kind of special treatment. No, he just covered it up. Covered it with a few sheets of toilet paper, and then just walked away as if everything was okay. Like everything was just, fucking fine! Well, things aren’t fine. And I’m going to catch this bastard if it god damn kills me, because 20 years on the force have taught me one thing… the kind of person that would cover an unflushed turd with toilet paper and walk away once, well, that’s the kind of person who would do it again”.

Decker and his team finished their crime scene investigations and left the Waterford house, walking past the family who live there, paying particular attention to the father of the house who seemed to be acting very suspiciously.

“That’s the guy” Decker mumbled to himself as he left.

“That’s our fucking guy”.