5 Celebrities You Didn’t Know Were Scientologists

SCIENTOLOGY, the punching bag of the religious world, has, despite its poor reputation, gathered a large following across the planet proving no more popular than within the clandestine circles of the famously famous Hollywood elites.

However, due to the bad press that can lead to being associated with Scientology, many famous people keep their faith under wraps, fearing that once they are outed their careers could be over.

WWN can reveal the names of just 5 celebrities you had no idea were members of Scientology, prepare to be shook:

Dory from Finding Nemo

The forgetful fish, beloved by so many movie goers, is in fact a Scientologist. On set stories from Finding Dory, the sequel to Finding Nemo, detail a fish so brainwashed by the so-called religion that she refused to use medication to cure her foggy memory, and became aggressive when someone suggested she see a psychiatrist (a discipline vilified by Scientology) to examine her childhood abandonment issues.

Jesus Christ

A religious transfer so huge it is scarcely believable WWN is the first publication to reveal that Son of God, Jesus Christ, is now a level 5 Thetan. Christ’s switch to a rival religion has been downplayed by the Vatican which has suggested the move was ‘just a phase’ and that He would return ‘once he gets this little rebellious phase out of his system’.

Speaking for the first time of his new faith Jesus told WWN “I decided it was time for something a little more believable, so I’ve gone with a religion about secret lizard aliens, or whatever it is this crowd seems to be going with”.

The guy from Pompeii who looks like he’s totally masturbating

Scientology is famous for gathering the most private and intimate secrets from its followers in confession-style sessions known as ‘auditing’, and using any incriminating evidence as the basis blackmailing members to stay in the church. Famously, it is alleged certain members of the faith are closeted homosexuals, with Scientologists holding the treat of ‘outing’ them over their heads.

Tragically, the ashen figure above was an early follower of Scientology and was caught in a compromising pose reading some homosexual pornographic scrolls at the time of his evisceration. Thankfully, his fellow Scientologists who walked in on him at the time were unable to blackmail him due to the fact they too were eviscerated.

Ed Sheeran’s song ‘Galway Girl’

While the popular songwriter is himself not a Scientologist, one of his big hits is. Details are unclear as to when Galway Girl joined the religious cult but fans of the song may be shocked to learn that the floor filler is in fact a member of Scientology.

Elizabeth Moss

The star of The Handmaid’s Tale, and former Mad Men actress Elizabeth Moss has escaped the kind of scrutiny normally reserved for Hollywood based Scientologists. Despite ample opportunity to ask her tough questions regarding the heinous practices of the church, journalists and media appear unaware of her membership of the church. Moss has received much deserved praise for her performance in a show which depicts a cult-like society filled with misogynists who dole out intimidation and violence like some sort of tax-exempt entity.