BREAKING: Vague News Report On Wedding Altercation


GARDAI armed with batons and pepper spray were forced to intervene when a normal, everyday mass brawl broke out at a wedding in Co Westmeath last week, WWN can vaguely confirm while not insinuating anything other than the facts that are given.

More than a dozen gardaí – the standard number of gardaí sent to deal with any wedding altercation – were deployed to the stereotypical reception after an altercation broke out between guests.

According to a select number of unprejudiced reports we carefully gathered, around 200 people of no particular background were attending the event last Wednesday when the mass brawl just happened to break out.

“Sometimes fights just happen at weddings and there’s nothing anyone can do about it,” explained one Garda we spoke to who didn’t have any other opinion on the matter that we knew of, “luckily, we just happened to have the Regional Support Unit (RSU) in the exact same area that evening and they helped us defuse the everyday situation with batons and pepper spray – a tactic commonly used for breaking up wedding receptions in Ireland… like, all the time”.

When gardaí arrived, the altercation had already spilled out onto the street, with some of the people involved assaulting one another with glass bottles and keys, which is known to be a long-standing tradition during mass Irish wedding brawls since the late 1700s.

“Christ, if I had a euro for every time I had to use my house key in a row, I’d be a millionaire right now,” one eyewitness pointed out, who insisted to knowing nothing more about the origin of the wedding guests, and that’s good enough for us, “surely this isn’t newsworthy at this stage, a week after it happened?

“Reporting it now would be like trying to vaguely incite something in a bid to attract reader comments or boost online traffic,” he added, before we abruptly cut him off for waffling.

Gardai confirmed six people were arrested under the Public Order Act, but were later released without charge due to this kind of thing happening all the time, stating that there is nothing to worry about, but still insisted that newspaper publications should report it anyway, just to document it in case anyone was interested.

Meanwhile in South Dublin, Gardaí have arrested 13 people after a large fight broke out among customers at Flash Harry’s on Temple Road in Blackrock last night – an incident we just thought we’d throw in here for no particular reason.