“I Rubbed My Eyeballs With A Cheese Grater To Make It Stop” Late Late Show Valentines Special Complaints In Full


RTE received over 300 complaints following it’s Late Late Show Valentine’s Day special after promising the “most debauched and depraved” night of Irish television.

Dozens of middle Irelanders flocked to phone lines and electronic email services to voice their disdain for last Friday’s show, with the national broadcaster also receiving a total of 10 formal complaints.

“We bought four bottles of Lourdes water, just in case, but by ten minutes to ten we had already used every last drop,” one elderly woman wrote in blood on papyrus paper.

“This new Late Late Show kisscam idea is absolutely ludicrous,” a ‘long time viewer’ wrote in, “I can’t imagine it going down well either when Ryan does those misery segments, you know, when he forces people to admit they have some form of mental health problem, even when they don’t. Terrible idea and I will not be watching anymore”.

A staggering 568,400 viewers switched on to watch the festive special on RTE One, which featured presenter Ryan Tubridy giving a hamper by condom manufacturer Durex to each audience member, presumably to wear on their erect penises, or whatever they have these days.

“Why RTE would let a pervert like Al Porter open the show is beyond me, surely there was a priest on hand somewhere in Donnybrook to instigate the courting,” penned a county Carlow farmer, “the fact the audience gender was not divided up with one side men, and the other side women, goes to show the slippery slope the late late is going down lately. Ever since the marriage referendum this country has gone to the dogs”.

“Meatloaf was terrible and has really let himself go,” another viewer said, “I’m surprised at Dickie Rock and Crystal Swing stooping this low too. Also, not one guest on Friday’s show was trying to sell me a book or make me go to a movie, which left me feeling a little empty if I’m honest, so I had to turn over to Graham Norton instead”.

The uproar comes just months after RTE received a number of complaints over Katie Hopkins appearing on the show, after she openly masturbated herself with a crucifix before spontaneously combusting into flames.