“Seriously Though, What The Fuck Are You Lot At?” Government Asked


TENSE and fiery exchanges were seen in the Dáil today as the Taoiseach defended himself and his government against queries from opposition TDs and even members of the public.

“We haven’t half fucked ourselves, here lads,” Kenny was heard saying, picked up by the microphones in the chamber, to cabinet colleagues moments before he addressed the Dáil.

Answering all opposition questions in an honest and humble manner, the Taoiseach repeatedly shouted “you were in the RA, you were in the RA” in the direction of Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams, in an attempt to keep the debate steered towards the current issues.

Defending the 367 different versions of the same story the government delivered regarding false allegations about Maurice McCabe handled by Tusla, the Taoiseach was close to tears when discussing some of the scrutiny he and his cabinet have been subjected to.

“I’ve seen the comment sections: members of the public spreading the most malicious rumours about how this government doesn’t know what it is doing. Are they tapping our phones? Where are they getting this incredibly reliable info from?” the Taoiseach asked.

In the same Dáil session the Fine Gael leader confirmed that there would be a tribunal of inquiry launched into the McCabe scandal, reflecting the shift in status of the current scandal from a ‘clusterfuck’ to an all out ‘bollocksageddon’.

“I would like to note the severity of the situation as we haven’t been at ‘bollocksageddon’ levels since Bertie claimed to have won some money on the horses,” an exhausted and battle weary Taoiseach concluded before collapsing into his seat.

The Taoiseach’s statement to the Dáil was momentarily interrupted by one member of the public who burst in to berate all members of the Oireachtas.

“What are you fuckers at? You’re all fucking useless point-scoring, craven and venal bastards,” the unidentified man said as he was tackled to the ground by security.

“Except for you Wallace,” the man added to TD Mick Wallace, as he was carried out, “you’re alright. I like your hair, d’ya cut it yourself or it is a barber jobby?”