Whales Have Had Enough Of This Shit

THE whale community is said to be in a state of mourning today after 400 pilot whales took to a New Zealand shoreline to beach themselves in one of the biggest mass suicide pacts in marine history.

More than 500 rescuers desperately tried to negotiate with the mammals, but 250 have died already with the remainder demanding to be left alone, in what officials are calling a protest against humanity.

“You people are fucking everything up,” one beached whale told WWN earlier, gasping for its last breath, “we’ve had enough of this shit and just want to be left alone to die in peace; you’ve fucked our water, you’ve fucked our air and you guys are even fucking the planet you’re living on… so we’re signing the fuck out of here, you bunch of assholes”.

About 50 whales were ‘saved’ by rescuers, but vowed to return and finish themselves off when ‘things die down’.

“Nothing but goody two shoes trying to stop us,” one saved mammal said, “if they want to do something, stop treating our oceans like their rubbish bin and stop stealing all our goddamn food you greedy bastards. God forgive me, but I hope a meteor wipes you disgusting pigs out, once and for all”.

This whale stranding was the largest in the country since 1985, when over 1,000 killer whales took to land in an act of war against the humans, slaughtering thousands of islanders, before the mammal insurgents were finally shot dead by the New Zealand army.