How To Convert The Back Shed Into A Bomb Shelter


IF for no particular reason you find yourself wondering about where you and your family could ride out any nuclear holocaust that may or may not hit in the next four years, then look no further; the shed out the back of the house could be just the place to hole up, providing you make a few preparations in advance.

So have a root around in the drawer where you keep old birthday cards and Chinese menus and see if you can find those iodine tablets the government sent around ten years ago, and head out to the shed:

1) Clear out all unnecessary crap

Yes, we’re afraid that means all your kid’s old toys, the Christmas decorations, the half-empty pots of paint; you’re going to want some comfort when you’re huddled together with your loved ones, aren’t you? Keep things like tools, though. Hammer. Garden shears. Anything that looks like it could protect you, y’know yourself. Not everyone is going to take the nuclear winter like gentlemen.

2) Line it all with lead

If Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull taught us anything, it’s that “lead-lined” means “nuclear-bomb-proof”. Dart down to the builder’s providers and get enough lead to wallpaper the entire inside of the shed. Quickly, though! Lead prices are about to go through the roof, once everyone starts making their own bomb shelters.

3) If you have a sex dungeon, make it a bomb shelter instead

If you have a secret passageway under your shed that leads to a custom-built sex dungeon, well, now’s the time to make that into a shelter. Your secret family that you’ve been keeping there for years? They’re going to have to see how they do out in the wasteland, we’re afraid.

4) Stock up on water and beans

You might be in there for years, so you’ll need water and tinned food. We recommend beans; they make you fart, and who doesn’t like a fart joke, right? Really lightens the mood as your hair falls out in clumps.

5) A picture of Hillary Clinton to glare at

Damn her! Damn her and her stupid emails!