‘Good Fucking Riddance’: EU Welcomes May Speech

THE European Union has welcomed today’s speech by Theresa May, stating it was happy the British prime minister finally got her finger out.

President of the European Commission Jean-Claude Juncker congratulated Mrs. May for her lengthy speech, which outlined 12 priorities for negotiations with the EU, and confirmed her government’s intention to leave the European single market.

“To be honest, I wasn’t really listening to it, I’m just happy Britain has started making shapes,” Juncker stated, adding, “good fucking riddance to them”.

The long-awaited speech was the highlight of Great Britain’s news today, with every other EU member nation looking on in jest at the country’s own self-importance and inability to care about any other nation – only themselves.

Leading EU figures denied they were jealous or apprehensive at Britain’s ability to form new trade agreements with leading economic powers such as China and the US, adding that bitterness just wasn’t a factor going forward.

“You’d swear they came up with the idea of a European Union, the way they’re spouting on,” Juncker later commented, “they didn’t even use our currency, and were always moaning like spoiled little shits. I’ll give her silly plans a read later in the year, whenever I get time. For the moment, I’ve got a union to run”

The media’s sharp focus on Ma’s address and the possible ramifications for negotiations with the EU is expected to end once Donald Trump tweets about his dislike of ‘animals with long, untrustworthy necks’.