Simon Harris Just Closes Eyes And Thinks Of Pension


WITH hospital overcrowding reaching its usual annual peak that nobody at the HSE could have predicted and public outrage at the state of our health system reaching breaking point, Minister for Health Simon Harris has opted to go sit in a dark room with his face in his hands, thinking of the glorious day when he gets his hands on his ministerial pension and never has to answer another question about health ever again.

Over 600 people were left waiting in A&E units across the country every day over the Christmas period, as usual waiting times were exacerbated by a spike in patients with flu-like symptoms not seen since the spike in patients with flu-like symptoms last year, the year before that, the year before that one, and every year previous.

Facing question after question about what he’s going to do to fix Ireland’s somewhat problematic health service, Wicklow TD Harris has begun to calculate just how much longer he has to put up with this nonsense in order to maximise his retirement windfall.

“Gotta stick it out as a minister for at least two years Si, gotta think of that lump sum,” said Harris, looking at himself in the mirror while trying to ignore the emails piling up in his inbox.

“Another few years and there’ll be a cabinet reshuffle and all this shit will be someone else’s problem. We don’t need to fix the HSE pal, we just need to keep it ticking over until it’s someone else’s problem, then we’ll be in the clear. Look at Varadkar, he’s laughing these days. Nobody blames the last guy, just the current guy. We can do this Si, just another little while and we’re on easy street”.

Meanwhile, patients attending A&E units across the country have been advised to bring their phone charger with them, maybe a book, some snacks, that kind of thing.