Gareth Southgate Named England’s Next Scapegoat

OFFICIALLY unveiled as England’s next excuse for losing, Gareth Southgate has signed a lucrative 4-year deal in exchange for being the subject of endless ridicule and abuse, WWN can confirm.

The FA, who took time out from trying to manage PR around the emerging abuse scandal in football, confirmed that Southgate is to become Sam Allardyce’s official successor in the role of chief scapegoat when England ‘do an England and reveal the true extent of their shitness’.

“While obviously the role of manager and chief scapegoat is multifaceted and is ever evolving, one thing is for sure is that this will all end in tears,” FA chief executive Martin Glenn shared with the media as he warmly embraced Southgate.

Southgate has already been heavily criticised for signing his England manager’s contract with his left hand, completely disregarding ‘the English way’ of signing contracts with your right hand.

The media have urged for expectations to remain grounded due to the fact that the England football team is not on the same level as leading international teams. However, they also pointed out that in the event of qualifying for Russia 2018, they would make the manager and his players’ lives a living hell.

“The key is not to shoot our outrage and indignation load, as it were, before we are approaching a major tournament,” explained Daily Mail scrawler of words, Henry Finnan, “and by 2018 we should hopefully have a 16-year-old world beater that we’ll pressure Southgate into picking, only to turn around and say it was a disgrace he was taken on the plane. God, I’m already getting goosebumps, this’ll be so much fun”.

The FA confirmed there was an option in Southgate’s contract to become a vilified scapegoat before the 2018 World Cup, and that could not rule out sacking him over something ridiculous by the end of the week.