How To Create The Illusion That You’re Helping The Homeless

NOT content with simply lying to people when they ask ‘do you volunteer with or donate to a homeless charity?’ WWN has been analysing the government’s approach to pretending to help and can report back with some fantastic tips to help you create the illusion that you too are helping the homeless.

1) Hire a press team and have them send out endless PR emails full of any old shite

While the government has several departments dedicated to this, we understand this isn’t possible for your average Joe or Josephine so you may have to craft your own emails but the content isn’t that important. Just be sure to send out a steady stream of emails which inform the media mailing list you have that you’ve got this homelessness thing sorted so not to worry. More emails the better.

2) Make foolish and big promises you’ve no hope of ever sticking too

If you want to create the illusion you’re helping the homeless simply state you’ll solve the crisis by this time next year. It’s likely people won’t be appalled enough by the alarming rise in homeless figures to actually call you on the fact you’ve done nothing really. In fact, we’d recommend keeping some champagne on ice to celebrate your achievements.

3) Pretend to listen to the experts

Do you want to convince people you really have this ‘solving homelessness’ thing down? You’ll need to pretend to listen to expert testimony and take their recommendations on board. To do this simply adopt the attention span you would use when engaged in conversation with your friend who is incapable of telling short and concise stories. Simply drift in and out of paying attention, occasionally making eye contact and smiling. Finally, pat them on the back and tell them you appreciate all their hard work.

4) Treat facts and figures like you were Donald Trump, or more accurately, the Irish government

You’re helping the homeless, or at least you want people to think that way, so when it is pointed out that more people are homeless than ever before citing facts and figures, simply ignore that and say ‘we’ve made huge strides’. God, we almost believe ourselves.

If you want to go the extra mile with enhancing the illusion you’re helping, whatever you do, don’t click HERE.