“I’m Just Beginning To Hit My Peak”, Says Enda Kenny


“I AIN’T even begun to reach my full potential as leader of this country,” exclaimed Enda Kenny today, amid chatter from his own party as to whether or not he should step down.

Kenny was in defiant mood as he made the statement to himself this morning, as he stared at his reflection in the mirror while giving himself two thumbs-up.

“You think I’m winding down? Bitch, I’m about to put the ‘shock’ in Taoiseach,” said the 65-year-old Castlebar native, who has been Taoiseach since 2011.

This ‘press conference’ for himself has become part of Enda’s daily routine, in a bid to deflect any sort of doubt from his mind that perhaps both his party and the country in general would benefit from him retiring and going to live on a remote island off the south coast, spending the remainder of his days staring mournfully at the waves crashing against the shore.

“The past five years were nothing,” said Kenny, through a mouthful of Colgate toothpaste and a brush.

“I was just warming up. These fucks think I’m just going to step aside now that I’ve made the bed all nice and warm for them? Not going to happen. I’m only getting started”.

The Taoiseach’s self-motivation routine takes approximately 2 hours each morning, although he plans to extend that to 4 hours around budget time.